*June 18, 2003 I re-married my EX-husband! Life Altering Event!
*June 25, 2003 I was in a rollover accident and was trapped in the vehicle. It took the jaws of life and 7 adults to remove my 350+ body from the wreckage! Life Altering Event!
When I was Super Morbidly Obese I used to diet constantly. I would lose 75 pounds and gain back 100. I did that several times. There is no secret to the fact I battled with eating disorders and I was addicted to food. Each time I went on a diet and lost a large amount of weight a couple of things happened:
*I would start to emerge from my “adipose armor”, it frightened me.
*The need to medicate and numb my emotions would arise and the easiest comfort was food.
*My spiritual and emotional hunger would manifest physically in a huge eating binge.
*After the binge I would beat myself up, and punish myself even further.
It was a viscous cycle that repeated over and over like a program in my head.
On September 11, 2003 I had Gastric Bypass Surgery. This took a lot of courage for me. It was a choice I was afraid to make, yet I had faith.
* September 11, 2003 Gastric Bypass Surgery – Life Altering Event!
As my “adipose armor” melted away, and my emotions surfaced; my emotional hunger returned. Only I had a tiny pouch that could only hold a small amount of food, resulting in:
*transfer addiction to a co-dependency to the number on the scale each morning, then again each night.
*an addiction to the gym, working out as much as twice a day at the fitness center.
*I also continued to be co-dependent on the abusive relationship of my marriage
Notice, repeat patterns of co-dependencies? Notice repeat patterns of addictions? I was growing tired.
Now, I am not proud of the fact that I battled transfer addictions, nor am I ashamed of it. I dealt with my inner pain by numbing it. I chose whatever method I could handle at the time. They ranged from:
*the gym workouts
*the dependency on the reading of my scale
*alcohol (oddly enough I never really drank at all until I went to Las Vegas @ 2 1/2 years post op.)
*co-dependancy on abusive relationships
*working overtime, striving for perection
*protein bars (yep)
*protein drinks (believe it)
Now… Fast Forward….
On July 5th 2008 I started therapy. I started looking into the healing process on the level of mind and spirit so a true transformation could evolve from my bariatric surgery. I was almost 5 years post op and had managed to maintain my healthy weight but was battling with cross addictions.
My therapist encouraged me to go back and find my inner child. Not only did she encouraged me, I often felt like she was holding my heart in her hands as I searched for my inner child. In doing this work I have been able to watch the little girl inside as she took her first steps. Now she is dancing through life.
In order for this to happen, I had to work through my issues one step at a time.
* Step 1: I admitted I was POWERLESS over my addictions and co-dependencies- my life had become unmanageable. Something about waking up in a hospital alone and frightened did this for me.
*Step 2-Came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. That power would not come from food, drink or relationship with another human. I stopped searching outside my heart for sanity.
*Step 3- I made a decision to turn my will and my lives over to the care of God as I understand God. In doing so I have built a relationship with God, and learned that I am only here because of Grace.
Step 4- I made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. I discovered this journey is harder than I thought and in order to honor my morals and dignity, I had to let go of several of my co-dependencies I let go of using food as a medication, alcohol, unhealthy friendships and an unhealthy job. It was hard, and I cried many tears, but I survived.
*Step 5- I admitted to God, to myself and all other human beings the exact nature of my wrongs. I decided to Step Up to the Plate and take responsibility for my actions. I had married into the victim role many years ago. I allowed my victim card to expire and chose not to renew it.
*Step 6- Grounded myself firmly and was entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character, this one seems easy. But, imagine, finally giving up being ready to finally give up my co-dependencies.
*Step 7- I humbly asked God to remove my shortcomings. Graciously he answered as I watched my desire for these external things fade away.
*Step 8- I made a list of all persons I have harmed in my past, and became willing to make amends to them all. Can you see the necessity to move past the victim role to do this. When I was holding the victim card, I was too busy worrying about who was doing what to me. This was a new concept for me.
*Step 9-Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them, or others (including me). Of course in this process I realized not everyone wants to make amends and at times sometimes people want to play games. I had to stay focused and realize there were only 3 more steps, of course the devil wants me to fall into the drama and have to start this dance over as I have had to so many times before.
*Step 10- I continued to take personal inventory and when I am wrong I promptly admit it. I realize I am only human here, and when someone is calling me names or talking about me. I won’t claim perfection. I sometimes rant, spew, sputter and cuss and my anger comes out. It generally doesn’t last long and I don’t allow myself to get stuck. Instead of beating myself up for getting angry, I pat myself on the back. It is so much healthier to experience the anger and let it flow through than to turn it in and carry it.
*Step 11-Through prayer and meditation I have sought to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand God, praying only for God’s will for me and the POWER to carry that out. God has shown me much mercy and grace and I am thankful for God’s presence in my life.
*Step 12- Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I try to carry this message to others, and to practice these principals in all my daily affairs.
Just before I moved to Florida, I was standing on the ledge of the water fountain in Dollywood. I could see Dolly Parton coming toward me in her parade. I felt chill bumps climb up my spine and out the top of my head. I realized I was in the presence of an extraordinary being. For some reason my eyes shifted from her and I noticed a sign on one of the buildings there in Dollywood. It said Beatitudes Where Wisdom is found. For some reason those words resonated with me, since then I have strived to have an attitude of just Being!
It’s taken years to find that fountain of wisdom, but I plan on swimming!
May the little child in each person be fed and nourished so they can learn the dance.~