Santa made a list and he checked it twice. He said I am both naughty and nice… uhh ohh!
Am I perfect? of course I am, I am a perfect imperfection.
Of course I play perfect on TV, and on FB, and anytime that need to be an actress arises. Sometimes I get a bit of curiosity in my heart and I wonder why I hide my authentic self. I have been on a path to self discovery for about 9 years, and I have been walking in circles but never finishing the loop.
Many life altering events happened in those past 9 years. My husband left for another woman, boy did I jump in the middle of that drama pool and drown. Give me a ton of coal for that performance.
We divorced and remarried, umm hello not the brightest tool in the shed was I? Good thing I can laugh about this now.
I can now see this in a more compassionate way, as I realize I was acting out of fear. Fear of not being perfect, not having the perfect life, the perfect marriage ect. Although my idea of perfect was just an illusion or a fantasy.
Then I had a rollover car wreck, I was driving a Pathfinder (haha I suppose I am a little symbolic after all)! My life was turned upside down in a wreck and I sat out to find my path. What a ride!
Just 6 weeks later I had bariatric surgery. Oye Vey, shell shock. I gave up my comfort and coping mechanism the day I had surgery. I could no longer medicate with Cereal and Ice Cream.
3 years later, I threw my clothes in the car and drove to Florida.
I dated for awhile after my divorce but then realized I still searching outside of myself for love, and acceptance.
Now here I sit in 2010 realizing how much self work I have done. How much I have learned to love and appreciate me.
The past year has been a rough path.. I quite not only one, but TWO jobs. I started classes in the Holistic Medicine field as well as Bariatric coaching. I feel like I have been holding on by a thread, but I knew deep down these were things that I felt called to do. Somehow I have managed to keep from drowning although at times it has felt like I might. My graduation is coming up and I am excited to start a new career.
It was so hard for me to leave my comfort zone, and honestly, I resisted myself and met the challenge with fear that was only over shadowed by courage many times. But, what I was doing with my life was not working. So, I took a chance on me.
In the process, I let my walls down a couple of times. I began to love with an open heart and feel that love coming back to me. I have made several close friends that know me by heart. That’s a bit scary to realize my walls are down. If you are one of those people who know me by heart, thank you for taking the time to get to know me. I know I rarely let people see the real me, I am sort of like Dolly Parton in that sense. Very few people ever see her without her makeup and wig, and very few people see me without my disguise.
I have gone from that phase of thinking all I wanted for Christmas was Italian leather purses and fancy champagne, to this years Christmas List:
1. To Hug My Grandmother Letha, to hug my grandsons Hayzea Rafael, Cruz Alexander, and Dakota Shawn, my dad and mom, and my daughters Megan and Leesa. Oh yeah, and my brother Anthony.
2. A frosty glass of no sugar egg-nog, oh yeah and non alcoholic too.
3. Making a cake with my daughter Megan in the Kitchen, while the boys play helpers.
4. Talking with my Grandma about nothing, yet everything.
5. Finishing school and starting a new career one that I love what I am doing, and therefore comes from my heart. So it won’t even seem like work, right?
6. Growing the already wonderful friendships I have with my closest friends.. You know who you are… and I love all of you!
7. One last thing Santa, I love designing and making jewelry… but this is one piece I can not make. Yet it jumps off the screen calling my name, yes I know its a material thing… but I am a woman that is human. I can’t promise that I will be good for a year if you bring this to me on Christmas, but I can promise one thing for certain. I won’t even attempt to be perfect!
How about you all? Whats on your Christmas list this year?