It’s that time of year, you know the one. The season to be Jolly! What can I say, at Easter the social media feeds us Jelly Beans and at Christmas they feed us Jolly Beans. It makes life interesting and fun.
One thing I have learned on this path to self discovery is that we are all different, although we are all the same. Not only that but as we grow and evolve we become different people as well. While I am still Teresa, I am not the same person I was 2 years ago, or 4 years ago or 10 years ago.
I would like to say I woke up this morning with an epiphany, but in reality I was awake all night with my mind going full blast. Then around 6 am, I went on line and started reading things about Christmas and had some sort of breakthrough.
I find myself being very curious with myself, and asking some of the craziest questions. Then I realized, I am not crazy at all. I am very judgmental of me, and I suppose if I would be honest that often projects outwardly as judging others. Although the reality is, it is me that I am being the cop, jurors, judge and convictor for.
Looking back to my pre-op days use to bring quite a bit of mental anguish for me, matter of fact it seemed like pure torture. I was using food to numb my feelings and to basically deny things in my life. After my surgery instead of moving on with my life, I used the fact that I had to have surgery to be-rate myself and negate my feelings.That only led to more self disapproval and eventually transfer addictions.
My life has evolved in phases. with each phase if you would have asked me at Christmas what brought “Joy” to my world I would have had a different answer.
When I was a child if you would have asked me what brought joy to my Christmas I would have told you rather quickly the most joyful thing about Christmas is being at my Grandparents house for the entire day experiencing the love between my family members.
When I was a teenager I might have told you there is a lot of joy in time off of school and being with my family for the holidays.
As a young mother it brought joy to have the holidays off from work (as a nurse that was a rare thing) and seeing the light in my children and the flickering of light in their eyes with the love and excitement of each holiday moment.
I even went through the phase that I wanted fancy things for Christmas, name brand purses and shoes. Clothes from Macy’s and Tumi Luggage.Material things seemed to bring joy to my life.
These days I am joyful in the fact that I can look back at all these phases and see why they were important to me at that time. I can see how I have grown and evolved from each phase. The amazing thing is that I can look at myself in each phase with love and compassion instead of judging myself for being in situations or for not being “perfect”. Even for not providing the perfect Christmas to myself and the ones I love.
I have learned a lot in this lifetime;however, I still have a lot to learn. That in itself gives me a lot of incentive to take better care of me, to be a little kinder each day with myself and the fact that I am not perfect. It gives me incentive to reach deep down and love the person in the mirror each morning and to extend that love to everyone I can.
Yesterday while I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctors office I saw a lady with the saddest look on her face. At first I thought she was angry, but then when I looked deeper I saw sadness. It was easy to recognize the emotion in the face, since I had seen it many times in my own mirror. I decided that since the woman didn’t have a smile I would give her mine. I smiled and she immediately loosened up and smiled back at me.
On the way home I sort of laughed and thought to myself I learned that trick in my own mirror. How many times I would go to the mirror with that sad, hurt lonely look on my face, and I learned to smile at that reflection. No matter what the person in the mirror had done that day. Maybe it was a day I had eaten too many carbs, or a day when I had lied to myself about how many drinks I had at the party, maybe it was a day I had spoke in anger about someone, maybe it was a day that I thought I had made a difference in helping the world… either way.. I gave my reflection a smile and a serious “I love you”.
There is a little girl in my mirror, it took me a long time to find her, but now that I have.. I am going to take care of her. I am going to give her the best life that I can…. What bring JOY to me these days is the feeding and nourishing of the little girl in my mirror…
Whatever you celebrate.. Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, Christmas, New Year, and even if you don’t celebrate a “holiday” at all… I wish you love, peace and joy. May you find the thing that brings joy to your soul this season.