It’s been awhile since I posted a blog entry. To be quite honest I am not sure why I haven’t posted. Afterall part of the deal with my blog is that I call it like it is. My intention was to share the good, the bad and the ugly about my bariatric journey and over the past 7 years I have done just that. Then when I started looking at my bariatric life from the holistic view, I realized I was on a spiritual journey to become whole again, and I shared that too.
With any spiritual journey you find (to quote Dolly Parton) if you want to see the rainbow you have to put up with the rain…
And then there are the storms. We all have storms in our lives. They come they go, they pass. Some storms last longer than others and some do more damage. When the storm is over it’s time to reassess take inventory and rebuild. It’s our choice, either we do it with grace and diginity or we get caught in the drama of the aftermath and become a victim of the storm.
The past year has been a whirl wind, swirling with the force of a tornado. In January of last year I started to come out of my shell and explore who I really am. I found myself asking frequently who am I? What do I want? Where do I want to be in my life? However; the entire time I was asking I was attached to the life I had. The title on my business card meant a lot to me (it seemed to be the place that I could gather my self worth). The fancy business suits, the 5 inch Michael Korrs Stillettos, the Tumi bags, and the five star hotels and resturants. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the travel and I really enjoy connecting with people and seeing the world. Yes, I also enjoyed and have an appreciation for the fancy—expensive things.
In reality though, I got carried away and started to “judge” my own self worth by the title on my card, the hotel I was staying at and how many miles were racking up on my frequent flyer account.
It’s called the Rise before the FALL…
Now when you are walking the warriors spiritual path home……it is called “living a lie” when you judge YOURSELF. So suddenly things started being removed from my life. So I could focus on my path. I resigned from my job as director of a nutrition company on May 3 of 2010. In my heart I knew it was time to move to another place in life but I was attached to the friendship I had with my employer. She had been my leaning post and helped facilitate my being able to leave an abusive marriage. In return I gave her support, and a loving friendship also. I carried and still carry a lot of love and gratitude for her in my heart. So you can imagine two hot headed females under stress and it came down to a head and I turned in my resignation. It was as if Mount Saint Helen had errupted and we both lashed out at each other in anger. Myself I got caught up and stuck in that web of anger and completely forgot to grieve the loss of my friend that was in my heart a Sister! I forgot to grieve leaving a job that I had worked my way up to over the prior 4 years. I could have handled it differently, but I wasn’t at a place at that time to do it.
Grieving did not get accomplished before I got the bright idea to move forward to another position prematurely. I went to work for a vitamin company as a territory sales manager. My gift from the heavens above is being able to connect with people but COLD CALLING and vitamin sales was not the ideal job for me at the time. Lets face it I did not fly and thrive being on the phone 8 hours a day doing cold calls. It’s hard to go from speaking at surgeons support groups, helping patients to be calm and find alternatives to their old eating patterns and holding space in my heart for them as they expressed their concerns about their surgery and after life, and hoping that I somehow shed some light on the matter for them… that is what brings me joy. I loved the company I was working for and the integrity that backs them but I did not love Cold Calling.
So by October 15 I had seperated from the company that I worked for as a territory manager and set out to build a new life. What I found is a competitive job market that I am either over qualified or under educated. I have 20 years of nursing as an LPN under my belt and because I let my license lapse a few years ago thinking I would never need them again in “business” it would be a process getting them back.
I remember about a year ago when I had jokingly said, I need a sabbatical from my life so I can sort things out. It’s true I suppose that the Universe always provides and since I had asked, she granted. Only, I was kidding and wasn’t prepared. So what did I do? Again I reacted, this time not in anger but in fear. Afraid of where I would live, how I would pay my bills, and even WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK OF ME. *sigh* In the meantime I could not afford my apartment any longer and found myself with no where to live. Fourty, freaking out and homeless. For the first time in many years I called out and asked GOD ARE YOU OUT THERE? ARE WE STILL ON SPEAKING TERMS? I could not understand why God was not answering my prayers. I started to feel depressed and the only way I knew to deal with it was to dedicate myself in pure devotion and conviction to my spiritual path, because with depression and darkness there is that feeling of despair that too often leads to “giving up”.
I was hurting a lot inside and still neglecting to grieve my losses. (don’t get me wrong I am all for affirmations and was proclaiming affirmations daily, but with gratitude we also must acknowledge and grieve our losses) By this time the pile of grief was growing taller than me.
Digging my heals in and grounding myself was all I could do at that point. I was taking the bulls by his Gonads and fighting this war that was inside myself. The past year has been spent doing the Eat, Love Pray of my life, only I didn’t get to tour Italy, Bali or India. I suppose I could call it the Eat, Love Pray on a Budget story, or even the From Riches to Rags on the Outside but Rags to Riches on the Inside.. but it has been more of a Wizard of Oz story for me.
My journey took me deep within myself and introduced me to my soul and my spirit. It’s been wonderful learning who I am, what I stand for and my own personal mission statement. My worth is not determined by the title on my business card, I don’t need a card at all. My name resonates in the heart of God not because of the designer name on my tag, but because I AM. One may not have a house with four walls but they are never homeless if they live in their heart. Yet the longest journey I have ever taken was only 18 inches from my Head to my Heart.
Don’t assume God isn’t answering your prayers. Trust me as I have learned my lesson assuming makes an ass out of the assumer not God. Listen closely and you will see that even in the darkest, longest storms God is right there holding your hand.