I suppose this proves that what we think, or fear… we create..so..it’s time to change my mind 😉
The AHA moment was in NYC… I kept looking at the photos thinking, gosh that is a terrible picture of me… I was sure the angle was off or something. I mean let’s face it, I was well aware I had put on a few pounds since last year, but no way could I back in this place. Well ladies and gentlemen, let me give you a crash course on denial..
Sure it’s positive to love yourself no matter what the number on the scale..absolutely. But, there is also the fact of loving yourself and facing the truth… *sigh*
I sat down yesterday and took inventory of things. Photos don’t lie and in the picture I see truth.. In this photo taken in NYC, I was having a nice time, I was loving life and myself, but I was also not acknowledging the truth about how much I had gained. Yet, I still hadn’t accepted the fact I had weight gain, nor had I gotten on the scales. I am not one to handle someone confronting me, so when a friend said… YOU’RE GAINING WEIGHT… my reaction was NO, I am not.
I started massage therapy school on April 18th, and went through a phase of losing at first. Giving 4-5 hours of massage a day is great way to burn calories. It was short lived and before long the scale was creeping up again.
Of course I realized I was gaining, but there is always a sting to facing the truth in a case like this. So, I denied it and stood firm to the “positive life is good” attitude… but the negative energy could only move and life would only get better if I acknowledge where I was… even if it wasn’t the perfect place or where I wanted to be…TIME TO PUSH THROUGH THIS..
I had gone two months without vitamins and protein. Not by choice but I was just not in a place to afford what I needed. Not only that, I had started making general poor food choices.. I went from eating an organic vegetarian diet to eating whatever. With denial, I was finding myself depressed.I would go to school, then home to sleep for hours, and be awake all night.
It seemed like I had always been the motivator, the one who pushed through with a positive attitude no matter what. Bariatrics and working with bariatric post ops, speaking at support groups and atttending events has been a passion for me, and I just always assumed I would work in that field. So this has been a transition for me. Now, the real job.. to motivate myself to get back on my feet and back on track.
IF you ever wonder how important taking vitamins is after bariatric surgery, believe me, it is important. Yes, protein does keep you from being hungry. Cereal, bread and chips will increase your hunger. Soda is not a good choice, no matter how thirsty you are. Sugar is addictive… when in doubt just say no to sugar.
So today was the REALITY check moment… I have always been completely honest with my journey, so I won’t change that. I am not perfect and although I was sure 7 years ago that I had lost 235 pounds lost and gone forever, I would never be in this place.
Today I stepped on my scales to see where I stand. I weighed first thing this morning, nakkid, and with dry hair. Jewelry off and bladder empty. I just stood there and stared. The scale said 189.4.
One Hundred eighty nine POINT four pounds. Silence.
Tears…..more tears… I stood on the scale in tears, alone and afraid.
Oh boy, is this where the dark side comes to visit? Facing the demons that say “See you are fat!” ” I told you that you would gain this weight back” “You are a WLS failure, wasted surgery” “Pack up your shit and go back home to WV and just disappear from the internet, from the life as you know it…just go back where you came from” and well lets just say as long as I let the voices talk, they keep getting meaner and meaner…
It was time to put my foot down and pull it together before I get down to the point that there is no getting up…
I began to realize that my life was becoming all the things I fear… My fears were coming to be…hmmm (redirect the light here)
Today I stepped down off that scale with tears in my eyes and decided to meet this challenge from a place of love and compassion for myself. I have afterall extended that attitude many times to others, now I need to give that gift to myself.
I am boarding the Peace Train.. making peace with myself.. and realizing.. This is Teresa’s Journey home, and it is a path less taken.. therefore I often find myself alone on this journey. Only, I am never alone.. 🙂 Now more than ever I realize how blessed I am to be supported and loved by God, the Great Spirit (holy spirit) …. the Universe…
Blame, guilt and shame will do nothing positive for this situation..I know, I have tried it too many times before.
A New Day… A new Plan…Please join me each day as I get back on track to wellness… I will be blogging my daily calendar and progress and I welcome thoughts suggestions and I also welcome to hear from you on your journey. Let’s walk each other home…
TO BE CONTINUED….