July 12, 2011
This will be another blog post where I throw MIND BODY AND SPIRIT in a pressure cooker and whatever spews out spews out.
It’s funny how my mind’s idea of what is going on, is different than my spirits, and the battle is reeking havock on my poor body. I suppose many that is the case for many of us at some point in our lives. There is no doubt in my mind the time it has taken me to travel the short 18 inch distance from my mind to my heart is overwhelming. But, I am no where near ready to give up and throw in the towel.
I’m sitting here today having Revival SOy Ranch Nibbles and a Isogenix Isolean creamy vanilla protein shake for lunch. My thoughts are all over the place. I am very thankful to have protein and vitamins and it is due to some wonderful people in my life who believe in me, want to encourage me and help me elevate to a new place in my life. I had gone for a couple of months without protein or vitamins and right now while I continue to search for a job, I am on unemployment and living at a friends house. Let me tell you some of my greatest lessons over the past year. I have been a person full of pride all my life, proud of myself for doing the best I could and not asking others for help, proud of myself for working myself up the job ladder to positions I would have only dreamed of in West VIrginia. Proud of being able to take care of myself and not having to rely or search for someone to take care of me.
People would say to me God doesnt want you to be “pride” filled but rather filled with love. Well, let’s face it, I felt like I was pretty loving person. I loved my family, my firends, my job, my children, grandchildren, my car, my apartment, my places and people I hung out with. I loved to travel, have fun and enjoy life. I thought I was full of love.
If you would have asked me 2 years ago tell tell you about myself I would have proudly said “I am Teresa White, and I live in Fort Lauderdale on the Intracoastal and I am the mother of Megan and Leesa and I have beautiful grandboys. I am the director of a bariatric company, where I teach others about the bariatric post op life and how to adjust to it, I am a speaker and presenter at Surgeons support groups, and other bariatric events in the United States. I lost over 235 pounds with by having bariatric surgery and I have kept it off by walking the walk and talking the talk. I love Italian Leather Red Patent Leather purses and the highest heeled shoes I can find. I only smashbox make up and nothing is as exciting as jumping on a plane to Vegas or another country a living it up, sipping a glass of wine and watching the sunset.
One year ago if you would have asked the same question I would have said “I am Teresa White and I live on the Intracoastal waterway, my children and my grandsons Zea, Cruz and Dakota have my heart but my body and mind are working each day to climb a corporate ladder, to try to convince not only my managers but the world to see in me what I see in myself. I am a writer, my blog, writing magazine articles and my hopes of someday writing a book pull at my soul. My job is to sell bariatric vitamins, my passion is to bring hope and inspiration to the bariatric community so that the vitamins combined with sharing the truths both up and down of bariatric surgery may help the community to heal. I get to travel many miles with my job and meet many people. I am beginning to hate high heels and would prefer to fly to Coasta Rica and get one of those hand woven bags made of bright colorful threads.
Six months ago I would have said I am UNEMPLOYED, I no longer work and even though I am putting in applications like crazy I am not having any luck. I have lost my apartment and I am struggling to keep my car, I am behind on my bills and I owe everyone it seems. Not only can I not see the light I cant even see the top of the barrel any longer. There is no color in my world, I am living in a friends spare room and I feel helpless.My children and my grandsons are the ONLY thread helping me hang on to life. I am lonely and frightened, ashamed of my current life and situation and feeling guilty for letting my friends and family down.
But, if you ask me right now, I will tell you.. I am full of piss and vinegar LOL. Now in the country that just means spunk and life. I am ready to tackle the challenged laid before me. I am still putting in applications, and looking for a job, but in the meanwhile I am laying the foundation for my future. I am enrolled in Massage therapy classes and I LOVE SCHOOL, and learning. I want to learn how to do equine massage and work with race horses to help them heal and be painfree during the race, I want to learn how to do lymphatic massage, and work in pallitive care to help ease the pain of those who are terminally ill, I want to do pregnancy and infant massage and teach mothers how to massage their infants and how important bonding is. I want to geriatric massage so I can comfort those who are elderly and alone. I want to study Eastern medicine and become an acupuncturist, I want to teach all the while continuing to grow and learn myself. I am blessed to be staying with wonderful people during this journey who have helped me in ways that are too valuable for words. I am in gratitude and my heart is swelling each day from the gratitude.
I am a mother, grandmother, daughter, granddaughter, friend, sister, student, teacher, lover, fighter, I am many things…
When I got to the wizard and asked who am I? I heard the funniest laugh… somewhat like a cackle. I just stood speechless. I waited for the wizard to stop laughing and then I heard “I am not a Witch, I am YOU”
This is where truth, hits reality, light comes to dark, healing comes to pain.. and my vision changed. I realized none of us are separate. Just like the fingers on a hand we are all unique and have specific jobs or functions, descriptive markings, but each finger is part of a hand, that connects to a arm and then a body and it keeps going outward.
At any moment any one of us could lose our job, our family, our friends, our money, or our health, and on the flip side anyone of us could at any moment could win the lottery, be discovered for our unique talent, find the love of our life.
Last year for my 40th birthday I was gifted with about 25 Starbucks cards. Ranging any where from 5-25 dollars on each gift card. Now keep in mind last year I was working everyday and took my Starbucks “fetish” for granted. I did not hesitate to stop and grab one when I wanted one. I was drinking the tricked out multishot, extra of this and that blah blah and my bill was generally about $5. One day, as I drove down the street from my Intracoastal condo, I saw a homeless lady who was always hanging out with her shopping buggy at the gas station where I would get gas. I asked her if she wanted to go for coffee, that I had Starbucks cards and we could go grab one.
Of course I few things I did not think about, that would leave her “cart” unattended and it held everything she owned. her clothes ect, and second I don’t think she really even knew what “Starbucks” meant. But I may be wrong. Her answer left me with my mouth wide open. “I can’t get in the car with you, I dont know you that well”
Sigh… I learned so much from the Lighthouse point bag lady, I wrote a blog about her back then, and even today she is still bringing such light to my life with her courage and determination.
“The wizard said to me… you are love, compassion and empathy… You have light to bring to the world, you just have to open your eyes and recognize that for yourself. ”
Gotta love the wizard…. there is no place like home…and the heart is the hub of all things sacred, that is where I want to live out the rest of my days.