June 14, 2011
I’ve been tempted to jump on the scale. To see what the number shows, and honestly part of my holistic plan is to allow the idea that I am not a number on a scale, not a number on a BMI chart or a number on the tag of my clothes, to sing from my brain to my heart.
Most of my life has evolved around what the number on the scale reflected back to me. It is time to release the need for that number to be at a certain point. Where did this idea originate? Let me tell you some memories that I have stored in my brain…
1. I was about 7 and some family members were visiting my mom and dad. My paternal grandfather had died, and everyone was in a rush to get ready for the funeral. My dad told my uncle to pick me up and see how heavy I was. He said I was a little chunk… oh.. that was not a happy thing and it hurt my feelings greatly. Now, I don’t believe my dad was trying to be malicious, but my little heart was very tender and sensitive.
2. In second grade Chuckie Saunders called me fat in the homeroom class, and I punched him in the nose and made it bleed. It didn’t matter that I would get in trouble, I was defending my honor.
3. In fifth grade it was time for the annual Four H camp registration, now being a nature lover I was all excited to stay in the woods for a week on the Delaware tribe and battle for the honor of holding the spirit stick. I was in 5th grade and was as tall as I am now and wore a 34C bra, and had already laid a lovely foundation for these woman hips I am blessed with. My dad insisted I weigh 11o pounds before I could go to camp. I cried.
4. Going back to second grade one day during lunch we had peanuts and raisins. I love raisins, so everyone who wasn’t eating their little snack of rasins and nuts I took it LOL. Sort of are you gonna eat that? NOPE. Can have it LOL. Needless to say before long I had a tray full of peanuts and raisins and only ate the raisins. Lovely Skippy Sizemore told the class to give me all the food they didn’t want I would eat anything.
5. I vividly remember throwing up in the girls bathroom in high school purging my lunch so I could fit in my prom dress.
Now Please don’t get me wrong here, this is not a bashing of people who I feel treated me badly. Truth is, my dads words were probably not intended the way my little tender young heart took them. When I was 7, his father had just died and he had a lot on his mind. When I was in 5th grade, well can you imagine having a 5th grader with a size 36 C bra for a week in the woods at a co-ed camp?
As for those boys, well what can I say? I do know now if I had of laughed it off, there came a time when those boys would have more than likely been chasing me… 😉
The problem is, I took some simple little things and let them turn into parasite’s in my mind. I fed the words and fueled a flame of doubt, insecurity and lack of self worth. All geared toward a number on a scale.
So what I am doing for my Mind Body and Spirit today? First of all realizing how far I have come without using a number to judge it.
This past week I have gone into the deep crevices of my brain and mind and purged any negativity and negative thoughts. Ridding myself of self doubt, guilt, shame and anything or thought that no longer serves me. I am a beautiful person because my inner light outshines any outwardly appearance that I may or may not have. If people can’t see my inner light, it’s not my job to try to shine it in their face and prove it. I just need to be me.
Instead of treating my body as a tiller used to plow through the hard spots, I have started treating it as a temple. A place where my inner divinity dwells. I feed my body healthy foods, clean water and nurture it with love and kindness. Allowing my body to heal.
Affirmation~~~ I am beautiful.
Do you measure your success or your weight loss success by a number? Be it a number on the scale, the size on your tag or the BMI reading? When did you start to focus on your weight?Looks? What are you doing to master your thoughts and direct your inner light in a positive manner for healing?