But A Rainbow Brings you a Variety of Colors before you find the Gold! And a broken link can be mended.
Today I am going deep, proceed with caution.
I became aware of my “journey” on June 25, 2003. I was driving home from my home health job in my Nissan “PATHFINDER”. I stopped at my sister in laws to pick up my daughters. We had planned a family cook out for the evening and Tia (my sister in law) had given me a pack of ground chuck to grill burgers. It was wrapped in aluminum foil.
My daughters stood beside my car begging me to let them stay with Tia. Just one night they pleaded. Of course, I said no. “We are having a family cookout, we can spend this evening being a family.” My youngest daughter Leesa went inside to get her things as my daughter Megan pooched out her bottom lip and said “Please mama” How could I say no to that face?
I hugged them both, and kissed them on the cheek as my daughter Megan yelled back “Ma, put your seatbelt on”
I was over 300 pounds and wearing a seatbelt made me feel trapped, restrained and fat! I just looked at her and she said, “For me?” So I put my seatbelt on and popped open my sunroof so I could breathe.
As I drove so many things came into my mind. I had been researching Gastric Bypass surgery, I was scheduled an appointment for July 25. I had just re-married my ex-husband. Yes, you did hear that right. Our original marriage was Feb 10, 1990, I was a mere 19 years old. Our divorce was Feb. 10, 2002. He had left me for another woman, lived with her for awhile, we divorced and when they broke up, he came back to the house this was around July of 2002. So we lived together in hate, confusion and un-trust for several months. Then I started looking into having bariatric surgery in May of 2003.
In my mind having surgery would fix everything…my marriage, my life… fix it all. I was being very judgemental of myself as I drove along that day with my Dolly Parton CD playing in the background. I kept telling myself surgery was the only way out, and I was stranded in shell of 300 pounds.I had remarried Greg, he had good insurance and I could have surgery. We could work this out, I mean after all when I lost weight, it would all be ok.
I wasn’t prepared for the jolt that happened next. Something hit my front passenger tire, and my Pathfinder skidded out of control. With the impact I was thrown forward into the steering wheel, luckily wearing a seatbelt. However I immediately wanted out of this situation. I reached for the seatbelt unbuckling it. It was so fast, yet everything was moving so slow. People say you see your life flash before your eyes, and it is true. In a matter of seconds I was viewing not only my life, but the situation at hand.
The wooden chain my grandfather had whittled for me swinging like a pendulum from my mirror. I reached for it to protect it from breaking but my pathfinder had turned up on its side with the impact. I was rolling and being flung around like a 300 pound rag doll.
So many things flashing before me that I hadn’t done, that I came to this earth to do. I began to barter with god. I am not ready to die, I have so much left to do on this earth. My children what would happen to my daughters? Who would take care of them? Who would be their ma?
This is a situation where the only choice at hand is to let go and let God. I could see the tree that was in my path, unbuckling my seatbelt had jolted me from the seat and half way out the sunroof. So the vision of the tree was clear, and I really didn’t want to see this, so I closed my eyes leaving my fate to a higher power.
I felt the impact as my pathfinder collided with the tree. It was in a flash, literally. Very quick and with what seemed like a flash of light from a camera flash. Was I dead? If so, death didn’t hurt like I thought it would. I reached to feel my face, since it was in the collision path and it seemed as though I would hit head on, face to face with a tree. My face was intact. I seemed to be alive and well, considering the stress of the situation. I was very upset about something though, something had hit my passenger front tire. I didn’t see anything. What was it? Had a child ran in front of my path? A person? A dog? Where they ok?
I looked first for the wooden chain that hung from my mirror in honor of my grandfather. It was gone, and tears came to my eyes. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly was aware enough to be thankful, I AM a Survivor of this crash. I was not a victim of a car wreck, I was not a victim in life… I AM a survivor.
I looked up at my car and I thought to myself… oh, I can’t fix that mess.
Next I look for my cell phone, but I cant seem to locate it. Someone asked me once how long I laid there? I have no idea, it seemed like hours, but I know it wasn’t. Although years worth of thoughts visited my mind. When I heard a lady’s voice yell out to me “Hey, are you okay?”
I could see her shadow at the edge of the woods, I was off the road in the thicket. “I am okay, but the car is on my foot and I can’t move”
“I will go call for help, just hold on” she yelled back to me.
She was leaving me and it would soon be dark, and I am in the woods alone, stranded. I yelled out loud please don’t leave me alone here. Within seconds a man was there, holding my hand wiping my hair from my face. I asked him not to worry about me, I was not injured. I pled with him to go check and see what or who hit me, and are they ok? He just kept Reassuring me everything was going to be ok, help was on its way. I asked him to call my husband and he did.
The rescue squad arrived, and suddenly there were people everywhere. I kept saying something hit me, please check to see if they are ok. Maybe they thought I meant a car, because they kept telling me “Mam, nothing hit you, YOU hit a tree!” NO, NO, NO something hit me, that’s what caused me to lose control of the car. It could have been a child. I was upset that no one would “hear” me! I needed to know what had hit me.
Of course, I got the lecture “Mam you have been in a serious accident, from the looks of your car, and that tree you could have serious head injuries or back injuries. We need you to lie still, you can’t get up. We are going to use the jaws of life to extricate you from the vehicle” They were going to put a white sheet over me and I panicked. I was after all claustrophobic, and was holding it together quite well all things considering. The nice man who had held my hand and called Greg for me, said I will go under the sheet with you don’t worry.
About that time Greg showed up, and stomped around pushing his way through the crowd yelling thats my wife. The rescue squad told him I seemed to be ok, that they were going to cut me from the car so they could assess me.
This is where Greg took his fist and pounded the top of my “Pathfinder” and yelled out “Teresa, look at this you tore up the car. You could tear the horn off an anvil. I am NEVER going to have anything because you destroy everything!”
The people from the rescue squad, the man holding my hand and I all just looked at him. He was throwing a hissy fit. It now only wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t called for. He was asked to leave the site of the accident.
In the mean while I keep trying to convice them all to find what hit me LOL.
The noise of the popping metal from my “pathfinder”, the glass breaking away, and the noise the jaws of life itself makes caused my entire body to shake. I started to sing, it was all I knew to do. I sang “Life is Like A Butterfly” and I turned to the man holding my hand and asked him to look for my wooden chain and please hold onto it for me.
Once I was free from the car, I asked to stand up, of course I know the drill. I had worked in ER before. I could have a back injury and they wanted to put me on a back board and strecher. BUT I AM NOT HURT, and I AM HEAVY! I cried out.
It didn’t matter. My safety was their priority and it took 7 strong adults to lift me that day. They struggled to lift me and I struggled with the heaviness of my heart that day…. I kept saying “I am so sorry I am FAT!”
The last faces I saw before they loaded me on the ambulance was “Tia, Megan and Leesa”. Tia said to me, “Megan found what hit you… there is a Doe deer on the side of the guardrail.” Tears filled my eyes, and I hugged them.
I used to view this story from just the body and mind aspect.
My physical body was so obese the weight could be what protected me in the wreck, I don’t know the answer there. The emotional pain of the weight of my life was weighing me down. I had totally lost feeling of my inner self and lost touch with the world as I know it. I had seperated from my spiritual self. The wreck was a wake up call…. and this is where my “journey” home…began in a sense.
I was taken to the ER via rescue squad, and released without injury. People who looked at my SUV said there is no way anyone could have survived that wreck. People who saw the tree I hit and how I cleared a path through the woods to the tree said, there is no way anyone could have survived that crash.
The next day, I drove to pick up my sister in law and daughters and we drove to the site of the wreck. I was looking for my wooden chain. I stood and faced the tree with the sun on my back. I had a very profound respect for this tree and as I turned I caught a reflection.. The sun was reflecting on something on the ground and I reached to pick it up…aluminum foil from the ground chuck.. and underneath my chain.
My chain had survived the crash also, and it had only one broken link. All the pieces where still there. I picked them up and held them close to my heart. Physically the link was broken, but spiritaly the link to my grandfather, my ancestors, my divine inner being… it was not only intact… but embarking on a journey…
I had always wondered about guardian angels, and spirit guides that protect us. Animal guides that go to the extreme to show us the way. After this day… there was no more more wondering, I know they are with me.
It’s been years since the wreck and I am in my 7th year of post op surgery. I have done so much soul searching, unveiling wounds that caused scars on many levels…working through finding my true essence and true self.
My life is filled with many colors, as I worked through each color I stacked them on top of each other to make a rainbow…the bridge that brought light to my life.
I am thankful for that wreck that changed my life… There was $14,000 dollars damage done to a $7,000 car… but the life lessons that came from that day… PRICELESS
They say I by all accounts I should have died that day… I say who are they to say?? God, has a plan for me, and It wasnt the day for me to leave this body…. I still have a lot to do in this life…But, I did make it through the storm and now I am on the far side of the sky…