Posts Tagged ‘Self Esteem’

Happy Hands, Warm Heart and Beautiful Soul

There is this thing called Instant Gratification! It is an odd thing in wich you want something very badly, then you get it and feel a few moments of bliss and then the Euphoria is gone. Sometimes the thing you wanted SOOOO badly, after you get it you regret it.

I suppose that thought could be applied to so many things. From food and eating, to life in general. In the photo above, you notice my beautiful Henna Tattoo. I was so excited to get this and it has become the topic of conversation. I had no idea. I stopped by a local restaurant to show my support at a fund raiser for Lindsey Nick a teenager who became very ill several weeks ago in South Florida. I walked in and several of my friends who work there asked me immediately to see my hand, they had seen the henna work on my FB page. It seemed to be the topic of conversation.

When I went to get groceries this week the cashier asked me if the tattoo was real? I said it is real, a real Henna tattoo but it is not permanent. She said “How long will it last?” Made me think about the consequenses of some poor decision making I have made in my life… the consequenses are real, but not permanent. Thank GOD!

It is such a conundrum I have real tattoos that I hate and wish I could wash off, and I love my Henna tattoo and have contimplated not washing my hand to keep it colorful and beautiful. Isn’t it funny how that works?

I can look back at my life at many things that were instant gratification for me.. Foods, travel, purchases and yes I suppose even tattoos.

oh boy, I suppose maybe the FORTY years are kicking in. I am realizing all the choices I made when I was young that were good idea’s {at the time} for about 3 seconds.

What I have discovered as I get older is that there is a huge difference in living in the now and instant gratification.

I look at life as a Henna Tattoo and not a Permanent Ink. I don’t ever want to get stuck with one design, one pattern, one permanent situation. I prefer to continue to move, grow and learn for the rest of my life.

Now the trick is to let go of the fantasy I had about my life.  Of course just like most women, I had that fantasy of settling down with Dr. Carlucci (that is my speak for Mr. Right) and having a beautiful house, beautiful family, the perfect life…where we would travel the world and do great things like skiing in Canada, Wine Tasting in Italy, and dinner in the Eiffel tower.

I suppose as I got older and so much wiser my idea of great things changed. Now, doing great things means something totally different to me. Being great has nothing to do with travels, or material things. It has everything to do with one’s heart and how we treat people including one’s self.

Instant gratification for me when it came to food was simple. For years, I scarfed food down because it tasted good, and numbed my feelings that I didn’t want to face. It was just a temporary solution though and before I knew it the feelings were knocking on my door and I would find myself hungry again.

Bariatric surgery did not fix that, matter of fact it sort of irritated it considering I still had the feelings and emotions but could no longer Feed them or medicate them. My way to cope was to transfer the addictions, first with exercise (2 and 3 times daily to the gym) then with the scale reading (I was weighing twice a day), then to shopping, and eventually to alcohol (this was a hard one to cope with and it took much strength and courage to pull myself up with this one) and eventually landing with coffee  (you will be glad to know I no longer am addicted and now I have a couple of cups of coffee a week where I was having a pot a day)

This process has not been instant at all, there has been much therapy. My therapist has invested a lot of time and effort in helping me see I was worth doing the work to heal my battered body, mind and soul. She held up a mirror for me and before long I started doing a lot of self work also and at times I danced the cha-cha taking three steps forward and four steps backward. At least I was dancing and this was such an improvement. I am fidning there is no instant relief, or no instant gratification. One of my clients asked me the other day how much it hurts to work through ones programming and life issues. I had to be honest, it does hurt, but in the long run it hurts much less than the damage we do by denying and numbing the feeling with food, or by covering up our innerselves with obesity.

Please pass the Henna… I would like to move to the next design in life and of course add a little sparkle.




Read Full Post »

At seven years post op from gastric bypass, there are times when I wake up and forget that I have had surgery. I have worked through so many of my life issues and just want to live a normal life. Don’t get me wrong, I will never forget where I came from with my struggles with obesity. It just seems like for me these days my life is more about living, experiencing, doing and being rather than worry about what my next meal is going to be. Does that make sense at all?

Today is Saturday and that is my weekly bead circle day. Back home in WV we had quilting circles, I don’t think I could put together a quilt with thread if I was freezing. But I would make you a beautiful necklace in trade for a quilt *smile*. My bead family is wonderful. We laugh and share life stories and all the while we are creating beautiful pieces of jewelry filled with love.

My beautiful friend Francine and I!


Today I sat at the table with my friends Francine and Susan. I have been working on an amulet bag that is very detailed for over a month. 31 four feet strands of fireline on a loom with 30 seed beads on each row.. My first loom project and I chose the most detailed project in the book. I did not chose it because I think I am the BEST beader in the world, I chose it because it reminds me of someone in my life that I am very thankful for. It’s a project that has slowed me down tremendously.

Today as I was beading it Iaccidentally cut one of the cords of fireline. I cried. So much work I have invested in this bag, many hours of not only physical work, but hours of devotion and love has gone into this piece. I cried harder.

I wanted to pick my loom up and throw it.. to crash it into the wall.. I wanted to yell and scream and cuss.  My friends Susan and Francine both hugged me and said not to worry I am with people who loved me and it will be ok.  These two friends of mine have been with me through the entire process of beading this bag. The listened to me talk about it for months before I actually got the loom. Then they have sit with me each Saturday as I add rows of beads to the loom.

You might be reading this thinking how in the world could I get so upset over a beaded amulet bag, right?

Like I said, I put so much of me into the bag, so much of my creativity and my love that to watch that string snap was like cutting me. How often have I talked about how I apply my beading and jewelry making to my “life”?

Today was no different, and I realized there are things in my life “relationships, jobs, education ect…” that I have put so much of myself into, then suddenly that string broke. It reminds me of that Martina McBride song…

You can spend your whole life buildin’
Something from nothin
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This worlds gone crazy
And it’s hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all YOUR heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
love em anyway

God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah I do it anyway, yeah,

You can pour your soul out singin’
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah sing it anyway, yeah, yeah

I sing
I dream
I love anyway, yeah.

So there I sat crying over a broken fire line! Then it dawned on me..I am blessed… I still have beads, a loom, fireline, creativity and two healthy hands to work with. That is just the beginning, I have so much in my life to be thankful for.   I can start over if I have to, I can begin again. The amazing thing, was realizing this was not about the broken line on my loom at all, it was about  weaving the patterns of my life…. My tears transformed from sadness to cleansing happy tears.

About that time my bead Guru Fin came along and showed me how to add a new line  in, she said she looks at this as getting rid of the old and making way for the new… and that is why she is my bead Guru… There are no problems… only situations… and once again I have overcome a situation and the beading of the amulet bag continues and guess what? So does my life continue. I will walk this path one day at the time, learning and growing each day. It’s amazing how many valuable life lessons I have learned already from beading a amulet bag and from living my life.

Later that day some new beaders came in and asked about the loom work that I was doing. Fin explained to them that looming is deligent, tedious work and that the piece I am making is wide and complicated. She told them that the only reason she agreed to have me begin looming  with this project is that I have the patience of Job.  I also have the ears of a turtle and heard her say that and a nice warm smile came over my face.

I realized the path I have chosen is not easy and it takes lots of courage, strength and dedication. It also takes a lot of willingness to be patient with others, but mostly patient with myself.

At the end of the Beading day... a Smile was on my face.

So in other words… a broken life line does not mean the end of life… just ..  time for change…

Read Full Post »

Usually, my internal alarm clock sounds at around 5:30 am.  Getting up before sunrise and taking a shower, meditating, and plugging in to my awareness. Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning at 11 and my beading class was scheduled for 11:30 am. I rushed around and was still late.

The Bead and Art store in Lighthouse Point has been such a blessing in my life.  You would not believe how many wonderful people I have met there.  You may have read in my blog that Fin is my bead Guru and Matt is my metal working Guru and each time I attend class I get to apply so many jewelry techniques to my “life lessons”.. I swear I am a gemstone and God is just polishing me up to do his work. Since I was born in West Virginia, maybe I am coal, and coal turns to diamond. It does take a lot of polishing for coal to turn to diamond though. There is a reason for that, it’s hard to be a diamond in a rhinestone world. In English that means BE REAL there are all ready too many fakers and posers in the world.

Today was the 4th Birthday of the store, so many of my jewelry art friends were there. Fin, Matt, Lucy, Susan and Bill, Francy, Barbara, Wayne and some ladies I had not before but can’t recall their name and a man named Randall. It was a wonder-full day.

Today I made some amazing pieces of art, learned some wonderful lessons through artwork and had some great experiences.

A lady there who I had never met was telling me about Mother Teresa’s House in Miami. I listened in awe as she talked, I was so fascinated with her talking about this place that I can’t remember the ladies name who told the story. I looked at her and said tell me about this place, and how I can go there.

She said “Well you know who Mother Teresa of Calcutta  is right?” I said “yes” and she said there is a place in Miami where the Nuns live and they take care of, feed and house people there.  It is a shelter for women and children. I suppose it is for homeless women. It doesn’t matter how people got to those places in their lives, what mattter is they are people with hearts and souls. People can go volunteer there.  She told me her experiences while she was there and my heart just opened up as she talked. I imagine there is so much to learn from the people who live there, and the nuns who volunteer there.

Turn UP the Heart Light!

As she talked I could feel her love, and her words allowed my heart to  travel to that place in Miami.

I also met a new person today named Randall, he was quite fascinating to talk with. He told a story about Ganesh that I loved hearing. He also had a set of Japa Mala Beads that I was quite enamored with, they were made of  wood from the Bodhi tree in India. My intention is to visit India someday, I imagine there are many lessons there to learn. I love learning about the different jewelry arts, and customs of regions around the world.

Just when you think you have learned all there is to know about Teresa…. that’s what I think too.. Just when I think I have it figured out, I start a new process… Just when the caterpillar thought life was over.. it became a butterfly…

and ya know… I was born to fly!

Be Well, Be Love and Be Loved!

Read Full Post »

You’re So Vain….Good Morning Mirror!

Today is the day to see, and own your beauty! YOU are beautiful and I declare it to be so! When is the last time you walked up to your mirror and saw the real beauty shine through?? When is the last time you ALLOWED your true beauty to shine through? Do you walk up to your mirror squinting your face? Or frowning at your reflection?

Yes, sure it has been said if you keep frowning, the frown is going to stick. But, you do not have to accept delivery of that. Turn the frown upside down and SMILE…

Yesterday I spent most of the day at the beach and pool, and I carried some reading material with me. In one of the magazines I was reading about Botox injections.. Botulism in jar, injected into our faces to magically convince us we are relieved of wrinkles… *sigh*

Now for those of you who chose the botox direction and are happy with it, that is wonderful. If that is what it takes to give you a sense of feeling good about yourself, then I will respect that. I just ask that you step back and re-evaluate your reasoning, did the heart get botox injections or the “ego”?

We are taught from an early age that the way we look is just not good enough, we are either too fat, too skinny, too old, too wrinkly, too blah…blah…blah… I see the lips moving but all I hear is blah…blah…blah!

Put on your big girl panties and love yourself exactly as you are right now. It is a beautiful and natural thing to have the desire of wanting to look your best. It’s a great thing to lather face cream all over your face and paint your face up with makeup each morning like a warrior applying face paint. It is a real treat to have our hair washed and done nice at the beauty salon. We all love that right?

BUT…come on now… let me tell you a little secret about me… My ego had been upsized from all those years of eating Big Macs and Ice Cream that for a long time my days were filled with trying to be perfect. I fell prey to my big fat ego telling me I needed botox so I could be “perfect”.. As much as I hate needles I signed up to be injected so I might look younger… *sigh* Guess what for about 6 weeks I had no expression on my face, it wouldn’t move. Then when the six weeks and botox injections faded, I realized there is nothing wrong with my face having some lines on my forehead. It’s a lot of stress trying to be perfect.

Well guess what… I am not perfect… except that I am a perfect imperfection. I have had two babies, spent a lot of time in the sun, and lost 235 pounds…. I have some wrinkles, and they are going to worse in 10 years when I will be turning 50… gasp.. I know it will be here before I know it. How about instead of wasting all that energy worrying about “getting old” we just live life as it happens. It is much easier to live when you don’t place so many expectations on yourself.

TO the media, the Enquirer, the wrinkle patrol, and the van-it-y police PLEASE stop telling women they are wrinkled, that they need botox to be beautiful. Stop looking in your mirror and being a scrooge. It’s not nice to send messages to your reflection that are negative.

We tend to take our mirrors for granted as we busily get ready for work in the morning or prepare for bed at night. We often glance at our reflection but do we really see ourselves? Did you ever think of your mirror as having a soul, reflecting to you your feelings?

Has your mirror ever said “Good morning” to you, or, better yet, have you said “Good morning” to your mirror? When you look in the mirror in the morning, do you see the weight of unresolved problems carried in your mind through the night? “wrinkles” Or do you see the smiling face as you anticipate joy in the coming day? Your smile, your frown, your eyes, your dreams, your heart’s desire are all reflected in your mirror.

Stop for a minute and say hello to your soul friend who is looking back at you. Smile and you will always get a smile in return. Ask yourself, What is my dream for today? What can I do to make my dream come true? I will get rid of all doubts because I want my dreams to live.

Remember what we perceive is our reality… Do you perceive a beautiful, happy and healthy mirror image that is kind to yourself and loving and accepting of your beauty?

Every morning, when you look in the mirror, you plant a seed for that day and for the future. The growth of those seeds will show you how well you live and love. Just by loving yourself, the whole world opens up. Each of us has the choice to be what we see in the mirror!

Remember to put your best face forward when you look in the mirror. Throw your shoulders back and breathe deeply. Be confident and tell yourself, I can rid myself of fear and worries. Hold your head high and face your feelings knowing that you can be seen, understood, and loved! Every day you can have sunshine in your heart.

Tell your mirror image the words of Maya Angelou, “I am working toward a time when everything gives me joy!” Excerpt from Ardeth Rodale, Chairman of the Board of Rodale Inc. and author of Reflections, Gifts of the Spirit: True Stories to Renew Your Soul, and Climbing Toward the Light. Prevention Magazine July 2005

You are beautiful…just the way you are… 🙂 and I declare it so.. WILL YOU?

Be well, be love and be loved,

Read Full Post »

It is said that in India, baby elephants are chained to train them: The iron chain and silken cord are both equally bonds, Johann Cristoph Friedrich von Schiller.

A friend of mine told a story about baby elephants, with wide eyes I listened.
Imagine A World Without Sorrow

In countries where elephants are used as working animals, they must be trained when they are very young and ;not yet too powerful. The first thing a trainer does is fasten a heavy manacle and chain to the baby elephant’s leg, securing the other end of the chain to a metal stake driven deep into the ground. When the elephant tries to walk freely about, it cannot move any farther than the end of the chain. Although the animal may try repeatedly to escape, it is held in check by its unyielding restraint. After a period of time, the baby elephant stops testing the strength of the chain. It remains within the circle’s limited circumference, completely passive. It has become thoroughly convinced that it can-not escape. At that point the elephant can be used in the field and easily transferred from one location to another without concern. All it takes to hold the animal, despite its enormous strength, is a light rope and thin wooden stake.

Because once the baby elephant has been conditioned in this manner, he remains convinced for the rest of his life that what was once true will always be true. As she told the story, my heart ached for the elephants, but what I was really saying to myself was that my heart ached for me, being passive for so many years and not acknowledging my own strength. Maybe it was easier to deny my strength, or maybe I felt I didn’t deserve to be me. Either way, guilt and shame were filling my life and forgiveness seemed to get further and further from my reach.

If you know me, you will know that it was impossible for me to think of an elephant being captured and imprisoned so as I was driving home, I stopped pulled over and wrote my own ending to the story that my friend had told me. In my story one of the elephant’s had increased the length of its bonds slowly and gradually, by pulling on the chain and stretching it. Eventually, breaking free of its bonds. The elephant had grown up, it was stronger and it was ready to live its own life, not one chained in slavery.

The point I wanted to make is that nobody is stuck. I was not stuck, no more than the elephant who was conditioned to believe it wasn’t strong enough to move on, to follow its own dreams. That elephant grew, it increased its circle of movement, and it eventually broke free of its mental bond to that stake. Often in life we are conditioned to think we have to be in once certain lifestyle, relationship, religion, job etc.

People place expectations on us and often we make it our own mission to please the programing. We rarely move beyond those thoughts, because we’re too busy just living in that circle, not testing our own limits and increasing our own boundaries. What would the world be like if we did just break the chains, if we demanded nothing less than our heart’s desire or followed that gut instinct that goes against everything we’ve been taught is our reality?

Love and Light and many blessings, ~Teresa

Read Full Post »

Truth is, I do not know anything for fact. But, I do perceive things in my own way. This is 21 things that I perceive to be so. Remember our perception is our own reality. You may “see” things differently.

I'm as Free as a Bird Now and This Bird You Can Not Change

1. What we put out comes back. It might have to make a big ole loop around the Universe to get back, but it will. Generally by time what you put out goes all the way around the universe, it has accumulated some interest.

2. We define who we are, we create our own lives, sing our own songs, and dance our own dance. We are all unique and maybe inspired by others along the journey ( Yes, I love the words to those Dolly Parton songs) but we are who we are, embrace that. Don’t let anyone sing your song, write your script, or change the moves to your dance. Be free and Celebrate YOU.

3. What other people think of me, is none of my business. When I speak, or write it comes from my heart, this I know. What others think of me, or themselves will reflect the tone in how they perceive my words. That has nothing to do with me, and if I don’t pick up what people reflect to me, I will remain free from the drama. I always thought what others said and did to me was my Karma, but I see it differently now. How I act or react to those things is my Karma, it’s my choice. Someone once said Karma won’t be a bitch if I am not, I understand that now.

4. Whatever someone did to me in the past has no power over my present. It’s always good to look at things and see the lessons there are to be learned. That does not include dwelling on what people have done. The victim card is expired, no need for renewal. We CAN give them that power, its a choice we make.

5. People show you WHO they are, believe it the first time. You can’t change them, and you step off your path when you try. Be the change you want to see in the world, you decide where you put your energy and love.

6. When we worry about things, we waste time and energy. Be a warrior not a worrier. Use the same time and energy for doing something about what worries you.

7. We are what we believe, our words have great power. If we look in the mirror and see ugly, unworthy and bad… well our perception is our reality. What we believe about ourselves and others, is more powerful than our dreams, wishes or hopes.

8. The most powerful prayer we can pray is “Thank you ”

9. When we fail, it’s just a great big sign from the Divine that says go in the other direction my dear child. It’s not the end of the road, instead the beginning of a new path.

10. If we make a decision, or a turn in life that goes against what everyone else thinks we should be or do…. the world will not end, nor will it fall apart. Instead, our wingspan will widen and we will fly.

11. Love yourself first, get to know your inner “dolly” embrace that person inside and sit down and get to know yourself. Then extend that love to others in every encounter.

12. Have passion for what you do. Your career, job or profession will not be “work” if it is driven with passion. You are intelligent figure out how to get paid for doing what you love, the paycheck will then be a bonus.

13. There is no pain in love, the two things can not coexist. Love feels great. 14. Each day is a new day, a new chance.. to start over.

15. The most important, and hardest job on Earth is being a mother. I declare it so, and women around the world declare it with me. It is also the most rewarding job on Earth. Megan and Leesa I love you so, please if you know nothing about your mama, embrace that fact.

16. If there is Doubt.. stop… no reactions… Don’t move, Don’t answer, Don’t rush forward.. Just Be still.

17. When we don’t know what to do, BE still.. the answer will come.

18. Our troubles they too shall pass.

19. The happiness we feel is in direct proportion to the love we give.

20. These are my perceptions, we are all unique you look at the world through your heart and see what you perceive.

21. We should all wear sunscreen. 🙂

Be well, be loved and be love, Teresa~

Read Full Post »

Below is an entry from my original online journal about my bariatric journey. I must say I don’t really recognize myself in the writing, but yet I do. I can see my strength in the writing, but I can also see what a wounded spirit I had. I suppose you can see by  reading the entry I was in a horrible place in my life it seemed.. But, really it was a good place because I was sure learning lots of lessons…rather quickly I might add.

The point of sharing this is to 1. If you have had surgery and lost a lot of weight and worried about the skin, you see you are not alone in this journey. 2. Realize there are issues that we battle that go beyond the weightloss, I have lost all my weight in this entry, but I am battling emotions, self doubt, body dysmorphia, feeling unloved and incontinence from PFD. 3. You can see, that with perseverance we can do so much. This was written 5 years ago and I was 2 years post op almost at the time. I did manage to have the reconstructive surgeries, I did manage to get the strength to leave the husband, and I don’t pee on myself anymore… oh life is so good!!! I still don’t have lumbar seats though. **************************************************************************************************** June 7,2005 My plastic reconstructive surgery consult was today. I drove myself to my appointment although driving really sucks with this SI injury and PFD. I got up this morning at 5:00 am and fixed my face, and lord knows that is a days worth of work. Fixed my hair and got dressed. I hated the thoughts of making this trip alone but hey a gals gotta do what a gals gotta do. My husband is really not into this and it seems everywhere I go and everything I do, I am alone.

Along the way I realized my SUV was riding funny pulled over and low and behold my tire was low, so I pulled off at the first exit which was in Beaver, WV filled up the tank and the tire. Saw a real hot guy in a Lexus 270 who was giving me the eye haha too early in the morning dude! So Im back on the road, brought me a frozen coffee drink from home with a scoop of vanilla matrix for protein. Why I keep missing my mouth and spilling this on my new dress I have no idea. Funny thing is I used to drop everything on my chest now it hits a little lower SO here I go, going somewhere Im not really sure of the directions since I dont venture out of my safe world too awful much.

I turn up the radio and jam awhile listening to some music always makes me feel good. I forget when the radio is blasting that I cant carry a tune in a bucket even if it does have splash guards on it. SO I just belt it out as loud as I can go. Although my back is killing me and Im thinking my next major investment will be a car with lumbar seats. It seems like I am driving forever, miles and miles. After many miles an no road signs that even mention Fishersville I am beginning to worry. OK. Maybe I should invest in a CB radio, yea breaker breaker this is Miss Dolly, I got the hammer down, and Im rolling down I-64 not sure where the  Hell I am, could one of you nice people point me to the right path?? I am heading to Fishersville.

When am I going to learn to right down directions before I leave the house. No wonder my daddy worries to death about me. Well if all else fails I will do like my mommy taught me stop and ask some nice gentleman where the Hell I am. The road sign ahead says the road is going to split! Right for Richmond and Left for Staunton. Ok I dont want either I want to go to Fishersville. So driving at 65, I close my eyes for a moment (its kinda dangerous shutting your eyes driving 65 on the interstate) and think ok GOD give me a sign here do I go left or do I go right, well low and behold got gave me a sign a great big green one that says Fishersville 1 mile, YAHOO!!!!! Alrighty then thank you GOD for that one!!I sure needed your help with that!!

I am getting quite nervous as I know I am going to have to bare it all when I get where I am going and my pouchie Betsy is being quite bitchy with me. She needs to be a little nicer to me when I am having a bad day!!! Ok here I am Fishersville exit, the Augusta Medical Center itself is easy to find I reckon because it is HUGE!!! But finding the medical offices is a different story, but I managed!! I am figuring out I can do these things by myself, and I am not totally helpless!!!

I go in to the office and fill out my paperwork, and sit down for the wait. I start reading little pamplets one says are you considering botox injections?? Haha I hate needles. Another says vitamin C topical solutions is the key to beautiful skin, well Hell I figured that out along time ago when Adrienne Arpell started selling vitamin C skincare kits in her Signature Club A collection. Thank God for HSN so I can get it a little cheaper.

I am deep engulfed in this reading material when I look up and a lady says to me Honey did Dr. Knox do your work?? Well she caught me off guard I reckon, I said what work? and she says well you have had something done to your face havent you???I kinda laugh and say oh no honey I just LOOK this way. I am here for some BODYWORK!!LOLOLOLOLOL

She looks at me again and says now honey there is nothing to be ashamed of you have a perfect figure, surely you have had face work Well gosh dang it no I havent But she can fix anything she wants to when Im under!! SO the lady finally believes me. She tells me she figures I am there for a boob job since I have such a cute little figure. Oh I feel like pulling up my dress and showing this lady that she doesnt know it ALL!!! But she is so d@$% prim and proper she would probably poop in her pants!!!

Betsy is really peeved by this point. I am scared to death I will pee all over myself on this little trip due to the bladder problem I am having. With this huge pani of skin I have PFD and I also have a SI joint injury from a wreck and so I have issues. 😦 I have made a point to stop very frequently and pee and stretch my back. But Betsy she is her own boss. They call me in, I just look at the little blue haired nosey lady and smile. Betsy wanted to say BLECK!!!

The doctor comes in to talk first, very good, I am impressed. She is very nice and lets me tell her what I am there for, tell her what all is bothering me. She is very receptive and listens very carefully. Then she gives me this gown and says I need to get undressed and put the opening in the front, and gives me these little blue photo panties. OMG PHOTO PANTIES What am I doing here???, shut up Betsy this is NO time for you to act up!!! Ok imagine me in blue paper thong panties and that is it. I am not impressed with that look! I CAN’T BREATHE.. I do NOT want to take PHOTOS in Blue paper THONG panties. She takes the photos, and we discuss the surgeries, it will take 4 to get me back to normal!!

*&^$#@!@#$%^^&*(((*&^%$#@!$%^&*(((&%$#@!@$%^&***((*&&^%$# @ NORMAL….isn’t that a setting on the dryer?

Of course we all knew about the tummy tuck I would need, she says I have massive amounts of skin. That my weight was carried mostly from the waist down, I may or may not need the whole anchor cut, but that she will not leave it to look poochy if I need it she will do it. I will have a new belly button, a nice little innie like I used to have. I actually have a rash which she says is a good thing it will be in the photos she submits to my insurance. My panni is longer and bigger on the right side. How weird is that.?? What a wonderful day it will be if they approve me really quick!!!

About 16 pounds of excess skin

Second surgery breast Did you know one of my boobs is larger than the other?? Yea, that is a deformity in itself, hooray for that!!! OK my whole body must be lopsided. She says the insurance will possibly cover the lift and the removal of the extra skin along the sides. Implants I will have to pay for$1,800 hmmm no matter what size same price. OK no I dont want Dolly boobs, I dont think I could carry them, and I already have a bad back so what would it do to me??I have to decide if I want the implants, and what size I want. Easy enough.

Third, thighs. Oh she says my thighs are awful but that is ok she didnt tell me anything I didnt already know. She will have to cut around my groin area and down the inside of my leg almost to my knee. OUCH!!!! So is my right thigh larger too?? No well dang I thought I was finally going to have an excuse for being heavy on the pedal, ya know speed demon!!!Pedal to the medal!!!

Then later on a brachioplasty. She does not feel that I will be able to get this covered although sometimes she says insurance does cover it will massive weight loss, we shall see.

One thing for sure I have learned to fight for things. My WLS was approved before I had it then Accordia PEIA tried to not pay for it. I fought that and I won. Then when I went to the ER with my abdominal pain in February and the insurance tried to say it was not an emergency and tried to only pay half, well I fought that and won my bill went from $1,800.00 to $150.00. SO I will fight with all I have left to fight with to get these surgeries approved! I probably have a job ahead of me.

When it is all said and done I have a power crunch bar waiting in my car thinking maybe Betsy will settle down if I give her some protein. I sit in my car and turn on some music, while I eat. MMMM I do love power crunch bars.

The music that comes on is Fleetwood mac singing the song where she says something to the effect of I was afraid of change because I build my life around you Now children grow older and I am growing older too Wow words to my life. I build my life around my husband and my kids, do I even exist?? Then she says if you see my reflection in a snow covered something or other I turn my mirror around to see MY REFLECTION!

Who is that in the mirror??? When did my hair get so dang big and when did it get curly?? Especially when I havent had a perm in years. Where did those lines come from?? Where did my fat MASK go??

Ohh you know the one, the one I hid behind for years. There is nowhere to hide now. Who is that in that mirror?? That is Gregs wife, that is Lynndall and Kays daughter that is Megan and Leesa’s mommy but who is she??? I am Teresa. I am a new woman now. With needs and expectations. I have a life, a job, I love taking good care of my patients, I am a student. I am a good person. I am loving, caring and just an ole country girl. I am healthy. And most of all I am NORMAL! Well almost they tell me, or I will be after 4 surgeries…*sigh*

For so long I had the fat mask to hide behind, ya know people dont look you in the eyes when you have the fat mask, they just kind of look down and hope you wont look at them in the eyes, they are hoping their children dont say something out of the way, they are hoping your disease dont rub off on them.They are sure hoping your obesity is not contagious. People dont see me that way now.

They see me as normal, you know with the comments—the cute little figure yada yada yada. It is me, who still sees myself that way, it is me who still sees the obese person I once was. When will I be able to look into that mirror and see ME, Little Teresa, the one with the beauty mark, the one with the deep set dark blue eyes, the one with the intelligents, the sense of humor??? When will I see her again, does she ever come out?? Is she lost in all of that skin?? Or even worse did I lose her when I lost the pounds??

I know some you know and understand what I am talking about. Some of you will ask –when will I see that I have lost the weight? But some of you will understand that this is much deeper than looks, this goes deep down to the root of the problem, to MY feelings. So we will submit to insurance and wait for a reply! I wish you all a wonderful journey. I hope you lose all the weight you look to lose. But most of all I hope you find you. And enjoy your life.And love yourself. I mean after all you are the main person who matters in this journey. Hugs from the mountains of WBGV, and I do LOVE ya’ll! 🙂

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »