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Bella Blue Eyes

 

Bella came into my life in December 2007. I had lived here in South Florida for over a year and a half and my daughter had gone back to WV.  I felt a surge of loneliness even though I had friends nearby and I was dating a wonderful man whom I adored.  He being a doctor had a schedule almost as busy as mine working for the nutritional company where I spent most of my awake hours. We visited each other every time we got the chance, it just wasn’t that often.

I drove by Noah’s Ark one day and in the window I saw this beautiful white cat, I thought she looked like an Angel and decided that I would come back and get her and name her Angel.  That weekend I drove down to Noah’s Ark to pick up “Angel” and I found this beautiful, bashful Tonkinese beauty. I talked to her for a good hour trying to get her to come out. When she finally did she butted her head against mine as to say “I am yours take me home”

Sure enough I had forgotten about the “Angel” I had seen in the window. However when I bent down to pick Bella up another long haired white and grey cat sat staring me in the eyes. She looked at me  as to say “Please take me too” There was something about her and I asked the lady at the shelter this cats story. She had been there for awhile, an older cat very sweet and loving but everyone wanted the “kittens”.

I was sad as I stood there holding baby “kitten” Bella. I really hadn’t come for two cats but both of them were speaking to my heart. I asked the lady what is this cats name? Her name is “Dolly”. Oh how the heavens opened up that day as I yelled out I will take DOLLY too.

For years I had walked around singing Dolly songs as my inspiration in life and out of the blue a cat named Dolly is given as a gift of the Divine.

I loved both of my new fur babies very much. One morning I woke up to someone yelling in my living room. “Mam, mam this is the Broward County Police” I jumped from my bed and ran into the living room, where a police officer and my neighbor stood. My living room door was wide open.

I just stood there in confusion as I screamed “WHAT IS WRONG?” It was one of those moments where you know you have done nothing to warrent the police coming to your apartment, but yet the ice cold energy in the room tells you things are not OK.

The officer stated that my neighbor had called 911 because my door was open, and he was afraid something had happened to me. They just wanted to check and make sure I was ok. I yelled out Dolly’s name. I could just feel that she was not in the apartment.

To this day I do not know how my door got opened, and I know that the last thing I did every night was lock my door. I do know that it happened and that we did not find Dolly in the apartment. My neighbor helped me search the neighborhood for the entire day. I had a sadness that I can  not put into words. Dolly had chosen me at the shelter. She basically touched my heart in a way that there was no way around it she was coming home with me.

Now she was gone.

Bella and I went on with our lives as best as we could, until I lost my apartment. I read so many posts where animal lovers say things like don’t get a pet unless you plan to keep it for life. Sometimes there are some very hurtful words said about people who give their animals away or who can’t keep them for whatever reason.

When I lost my apartment and started this transition of moving in with friends to stay for awhile, I named myself the Bariatric Gypsy. I gave away almost all of my possessions so I could travel lightly. Everything I own fits into my car, including my massage table. I had to live lightly to be in a position to do this journey.

The first home I stopped already had animals. A dog and a cat. There was also a door that they could go outside as they pleased. Bella was not a “outside” cat. I knew I could not take her with me on this journey. When I signed up to live awhile as a nomad Gypsy, I knew it would not be a life for Bella.

I sent messages and FB posts to all of my friends searching for someone who could take Bella and love her. Everyone wanted her, but no one could take her for reasons that I understood.

I remember the day I loaded her up and took her back to Noahs Ark, I stood and I cried. I took her from her pink kitty bag that I carried her in and cried as if someone had died. I felt so lonely, so alone and so horrible, My pain was was huge and my tears were flowing.

I will never forget how I felt that day.

When I got home, with tears still in my eyes, I got a text message that stated why didn’t you tell me about Bella? I had posted my pain on my FB page and my friend Haven had sent me this text as a response? I wrote back is this Haven?

I called and she said can you go get her? Chill bumps raced up and down my arm. I was so so happy that Bella would have a home where she would be loved.

I went back to the No Kill Shelter and retrieved my beautiful Bella and drove her to Havens Home.

During this journey I have had so many friends who have done amazing things for me, including giving me a place to live until I got “home”…

This is one of those special moments where a friend touches my very essence. Thank you Haven for being a safe haven for both Bella and I.

One of the morals of this story is please do not judge people for the decisions they make. I had no intentions of letting my cats go when I adopted them. But when I was faced with a life of uncertainty it was the kind thing to do to give Bella up to a home where she would have a safe, loving permanent environment. Not a life of moving to and from not knowing where she would land next. I could not give that to myself, but it was something I could give Bella. It was a hard enough decision for me, without other people’s judgement… and their not knowing what was going on in our life.

 

Thank you for reading my blog.

Hugs,

T


Do you ever go out to the mall, or the grocery store and see a seemingly lovely person? Without a Smile?

Today I was thinking back to my days of being married and living in WV. Going to the grocery store used so much energy when I was working a full time job, raising two small children and weighed over 350 pounds. It was hard getting out of bed in the mornings much less doing all I had to do. Often I would be out doing my errands and someone would nonchalantly say “Smile”.

Oh my goddess back then I was so angry, and believe me this was not the thing to say to get me to smile. I remember thinking at times WHAT do I HAVE TO SMILE ABOUT?

I viewed my life as something I was trying to survive, something I had to “get through”. There was no way to be “happy with a lot of things in my life, especially my marriage and my weight and health” Now, I can look through different eyes. I had two beautiful daughters and a family, my grandmother is still alive today and is healthy so back then she was amazing. I had so much that I could not see or appreciate because of the dark and negative I was surrounded in.

It’s funny when you are trying to “get through life” its hard to see alternatives. Hard to make wise choices and it is hard to SMILE.

I don’t look back at the old days with hate or regret or malice and judgement in any sort. I was doing the best I could do at the time. I thought, I could not survive or raise two kids without a husband and without his financial support. I believed it at the time. I definitely know better now, but can’t go back and change the fact that I stayed.

So where does that leave me? Do I swim out in a sea of regret? NO, Instead I like to look back and see things for what they were. I take responsibility for allowing myself to get in an abusive relationship. I have learned that someone will only abuse you to the degree that you abuse yourself… simply because one abuses themselves by allowing someone to abuse them.

These though are all lessons learned. You see life is like a giant classroom. The difference is in School we learn the lesson then we get the test.. IN LIFE we get the test and then we are left with finding the lesson from the test.

My life has certainly changed. My friends and my clients tell me I am funny. I had no idea.

My career makes me smile, I am a Licensed Massage Therapist. I bring relaxation and pain relief to my clients. I specialize in geriatric clients, bariatric clients, pregnancy massage, aromatherapy (raindrop technique), sports injuries, palliative care for those with pain associated with disease, children with autism, auto immune disorders and in life/bariatric coaching. It brings great joy to me when I see people on their healing journey.

I have started making it my mission to bring a smile to those who dont have one. I find that when I go in the store now and I see someone who looks stressed and is not smiling..I give them my smile. I make eye contact with them and I smile from my heart sending love and positive energy to that person… and guess what they smile.

It works so much better than saying “SMILE”.

Thank you for reading my blog. Now go out and smile, so you can give it away🙂

Hugs
T


Where to begin…I will be honest. I don’t know where to begin. So I will just start writing my feelings.

I have officially graduated massage therapy school. That was 7 1/2 months of fast paced learning. Thank the Divine there were no English classes or Microsoft word classes. I don’t understand how I can be a writer, yet my grammer and English are  like “my own language” I dont understand how I can make 98% in Algebra and struggle so horribly with computers.

Oh well, I suppose it is just part of what I am put on Earth to overcome.

Massage Therapy school was a real trip. The very first week I was faced with A&P and that was great. I know the body pretty well. I will never forget the day the teacher asked the TWO reasons why we breathe in Oxygen. I raised my hand and said to breathe in Oxygen so we could transform it to nutrients for our bodies. The teacher was happy with that answer and then I gave her the second reason.. So we can breathe out Carbon Dioxide for the trees and plants.

Dead silence in the entire class as the teacher asks… is that the only reason?? And I repy… its the only one I can think of… YES>.. color me a tree hugger… I wear the tag proudly. I think it made quite the impression for my first week of class.

 

Life is never dull when I am around it’s true. Very quickly in school I am labeled as ADHD… even as child I could not sit still in class. These days I just laugh off the ADHD label and tell them I am Attuned Daily to Higher Dimensions.

School was much harder at the age of 40  PLUS(COUGH, COUGH) … I think I did quite well. Especially trying to live and thrive with my world falling apart so it could fall into place.

Not only had I taken on the intellectual challenge of school, but I had been quite inspired by a book a very dear friend had given me… maybe you read it too… Eat Love Pray… oh there were so many lessons for me in that book… So I suppose a lot of people thought I had lost my mind.   With all the things going on in my life I had also started taking some holistic and alternative medicine courses and I even worked with a Shaman. A Shaman you ask.. well yes. Remember the Medicine man in Eat Love Pray? I figured I was willing to do whatever it took to change my direction.

You know I have gotten to a place in my life that I have no regrets. Each place I have been in life has left me with life lessons.. VERY valuable lessons. I suppose if nothing else working with a Shaman helped me to see that.  What helped me most through my journey was a good therapist.

You got that right.

Let me begin by telling you, I started going to therapy on JULY5, 2008. I remember it to the day.. It was the first day she was open after Independence day and I was in search of freedom. I did not go to a therapist by choice. No way, being raised up in the country I had a “negative” programming in my mind about therapist.  The thought process in the country was you only see a therapist for one of 2 reasons…1. Because you are crazy and 2. Because you are looking for a diagnosis that leads to disability and a check… and I was neither. I was just confused and off path. I call my ending up in therapy “Divine Intervention”… and it was one of the best things I have ever done.

You might get out before the devil even knows your there! But if he sees you, just tell him HELL NO..not this time!

I went in fighting and kicking.  Unfortunately I was one of the bariatric patients who transfer addicted. That means I went from using food as a crutch to ——- other crutches. While still in WV my crutch had become exercise. I went to the gym 3 hours a day. Then it became protein drinks, I began to hord them. I had 21 flavors at any given time and more than one jog of several of them. Then it became reconstructive surgery as I had 5 in one year and had the 6th one scheduled for the morning of July 28, 2006. Instead of going for the surgery I packed my bags in the car after my WASband left for work and I drove to Florida to live.

I suppose I was also addicted to his abusive behavior and had found myself done with it. Unfortunately I carried the baggage for years to come. See, I really can’t “blame” everyone else. Part of my healing is stepping up and taking responsibility and owning my part in my life.

When I moved to Florida for awhile my new addiction was shopping. I took $500 and spent it at TJMax one day. I never even took the bag in the apartment, instead the next day after work I took the bag to a different TJMax and traded the merchandise… again bringing to my car $500 worth of merchandise that I never even took inside my home.

I did this on a daily basis, until I became bored with it.. then

I became a Serial Dater. That’s right.. I was addicted to Match.com, Italian People Meet and Plenty of Fish. I had a date with a different man lined up for everyday of the week. I was often disappointed because they would find some reason not to like me, or even worse to like me TOO much and expect to GOOGLE me on the first date. Oh yes that led to them finding my blog and asking me all about the 200 pounds that I had lost. I often got couldn’t you just diet…

sigh

And god forbid they liked me so much they wanted to do the funky chicken dance on the first date.. Geeze you buy a girl a drink or dinner and you think you are entitled to…UMMMM no

After awhile my addiction combined with my loneliness  led to a continued state of searching outside myself for love and happiness. Each day after work I would stop at a local Italian restaurant and have an appetizer and a drink. One thing for certain, southern charm will get you plenty of free drinks. So I never had a empty glass.

One night after having too many.. I thought maybe I and the world around me would be better off if I wasn’t in it. I was angry at my best friend, and realized she and I were fighting more than we got along. Again, this is not blame. I had known for awhile we were on different paths, only I kept hanging on. I was actually clinging to hang on to the friendship. I often ask myself now… did I think I my path was right and hers was wrong? Was I so codependent that I did not think I could survive without the friendship? I could not ask the questions back then, because I would numb the feeling with a drink.

Getting intoxicated and numbing your senses and THEN trying to make your point in a public place…not a good plan. So being in a state of unawareness I went home and drank more, wrote good bye letters to everyone and went to end it all. Thank the Divine I had a friend staying with me that night who loved me enough to call 911 and do an intervention.

I was angry at first, but it probably.. no it definitely changed my life in the right direction.

I was in the hospital for about a week… then I had to find out patient care. This is where my therapy began. I was 5 years post op at the time, and remember I was carrying the negative thinking about therapy that I had been programmed with. Therapy was my Divine Intervention.  Although I went into it in a state of fear… oh yes. My poor therapist is an angel, a saint and peace carrying soul. My first words to her was “I do not like therapists.” I explained that if you break the word down it spells THE-rapist.. I told her I would give her 6 weeks to make me better.. that I did not have time for her and needed to be back in a space where I could function as the social butterfly, carry a drink glass around and nurse it for hours but not have the “need” to drink.

Oh boy.. I wonder if she thought to herself this ungrateful little bitch?  Then, I know she didn’t simply because of the things she has helped me to see about myself. I was reacting out of fear. I was hurt and afraid and still carrying baggage from childhood on top of all the other crap I was continuing to accumulate.

Now, I look back at the pre op psych screening and I realize what a joke it is. They do not prepare us for the emotions that will surface with the weightloss. Often there are reasons we numbed ourselves with food, reasons we built an armor of adipose tissue. The surgery leaves us quite exposed.

Insurances are so keen to demand a years worth of medically supervised dieting, when a years worth of therapy would benefit so much more.

You may look at me and say NOT EVERYONE has the transfer addiction. Or that not everyone gets obese because of emotional issues ect… Ok.. and I said that too for years. It was just another mask to hide behind. Yes, I know there are medical issues out there that do cause weight gain/obesity and that it is true some people just love to eat.. and the weight loss surgery itself restricts intake…. but please look at this realistically, with an open heart, and honestly. If you lie about these issues you are lying to yourself. Healing begins with awareness and facing your fears.

Thank you for reading my blog…

Hugs,

Miss T


This week I celebrate New years..Oh, sure I realize January 1 was weeks ago. Since I am one of those free spirits that sort of lives in my own world, I celebrate when I chose. I generally find something everyday that I wake up alive and breathing to celebrate and be thankful for. So this week I celebrate the Chinese New Year and this week  I also celebrated the new moon. This year in the Chinese Calender is the year of the Dragon. Even though I am not a dragon, I am still stepping up and claiming 2012 as my year. Honestly, it’s just my turn, and the law of attraction says if I can believe it I can achieve it… That is all I needed to know to change my way of BELIEVING!

Yes, I realize I haven’t blogged much…in months. You see I started this blog about a year and a half ago. I started it because I was working for a company that I blogged for, and the problem with blogging for a company that you work for is…. YOU become their property.. You can only blog what they find appropriate.  God forbid you would want to speak about sex,  how body parts are effected after weight loss, or spicy food. God forbid if you should cuss a little even with such a cute saying as Karma is only a bitch if you are…then every boy gets their knickers in a wad and you find yourself without a job.

Well, don’t get me wrong here. This is not about blame. I could blame “them” and any other them that gets in my path all day long. The truth of the matter is I am responsible for my life, my choices and my consequences that come with the choices.

I was blogging to the bariatric surgery community, of whom I am a part of, since I had bariatric surgery 8 years ago. However I was blogging for a company where not one single employee other than myself had the surgery. So how could they understand the “issues” that come up? They suggested I blog plain vanilla, I was frozen mango with chipolte before I had surgery, can you imagine what bariatric surgery added to that personality?

So when I chose to continue to discuss dating issues after surgery, sexual addictions and dysfunctions, transfer addictions after surgery and god forbid…. therapy…. I soon found the need for a new blog, and a new career🙂

Oh yes of course I was heart broken at first, I mean how could I who had worked so hard and dedicated my life to paying it forward and helping others be left without a job in the bariatric community? I cried, and for about a week I just laid down. I turned my back on my life, on my reflection, on myself… and I laid down. My passion came from being a service to those in the bariatric community,  a passion of speaking the truth about the post op after life, even when it ain’t so pretty. Now, unemployed with a no compete clause… I realized my work in the bariatric sales community was over. Of course I had also worked as a LPN for more than 17 years, but I did not carry my license over to FL when I moved here. I “Assumed” I would always work in the bariatric world. I worked in business in the bariatric sales field for about 4 years. I was good at what I did, and the bariatric clients wanted to hear what I had to say.. and what products I was taking.

After laying down for a week a very dear friend of mine called to check on me. I told her I was sick, and I was not feeling well. I told her I hurt all over and I did not have the energy to get up. I cried. She listened… she heard.. she let me purge out my pain. I told her how sad I was.. that I felt like I had lost my life..my passion…

She listened, she heard. She reminded me that I was loved, that just because I had lost my job in the bariatric community that I had not lost my place or my voice. I certainly don’t view myself as a “savior” but I was not going to become a “martyr” either.  For some reason the movie Straight Talk came to my mind. I kept seeing Dolly Parton as Dr. Shirley Love when she was talking to the jilted woman and told her to “get down off the cross, honey… because someone needs the wood”… I needed to free myself of this pain. So I got up out of bed and went on about life.

Within a couple of months I could no longer afford my apartment on the Intracoastal… again I felt crushed… I had healed so much living on the water. I began each day with a coffee protein drink, and watching the sun come up over the ocean. My balcony faced east and each sunrise brought the promise of new beginnings, of life unlived… promises of light.

I had a couple of choices here.. I could tuck tail and go back to WV…or I could ask for help… YIKES… boy would this take swallowing some pride.  I have always been kind, loving and humble… or at least I tried my best to be that way…but I had always been able to take care of myself.  Here I found myself deep in debt, unemployed and asking for help.

My life certainly changed… over the past year and a half I have had to ask for A LOT of help.

Three times I have moved, three times different people have let me move into their homes through this transition. I am thankful they did, it made it possible for me to go to school. More than once I was far enough behind in my car payment I thought the bank would take it. I borrowed money from family and friends to make payments.  So I am in debt and no, I am not complaining about it. I am thankful that a way was made for me to keep my car. Yes, I have a journey ahead of me  still to get back on my feet and get things paid off,  find a place to rent, and move onward and upward.

I guess the main thing I need to acknowledge here is…. I faced my fears and continue to face them daily. I am not perfect, I make mistakes. However I don’t give up.

I did give up blogging for awhile. I have always been known as the “positive” writer… and when others were down because of failed relationships, weight gain, illness, job loss ect… I tried to be there to shine positive light… I was “afraid” I could not be that inspiration to others if I was “down” too. I was “afraid” to talk about my darkness as I walked though it..but I have changed my mind about a lot of things..

Positivity does not mean that by being positive only good things will happen. Lets face it sometimes bad things happen to good people. Positivity means that one acts out of love and kindness even when bad things happen.

I’ve decided to talk about my journey the good, the bad and the ugly. I mean.. as a writer if I can’t speak my truth…what can I do??

Thank you for visiting my blog….

To BE Strong…


When It All Falls  Down, and all is said and done, will you be ready when it comes?

Learn to be alone without being lonely, even in a room filled with people. Let your soul and inner light guide you home.

When the time comes when you must stand alone.
You must feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams.
You must be willing to make sacrifices, and give up things that seem very important to you.  You learn that things come and things go, like an ever flowing circle.
You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved.
Understand that familiarity and comfort need to be challenged. You have the strength inside to do this. It may include having to ask others to help you. Be humble enough to not only ask, but to accept the help being offered.
There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities.
Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better.

Courage is not being without fear, it is having the strength and fortitude to move forward even though you might have fear.
Be confident enough that you won’t settle for a compromise just to get by. This is hard, and temptation comes, along with tests in life. Stand by your dreams and hold your integrity.
Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life.

Don’t stand in someone else’s shadow when it’s your sunlight that should lead the way.

Dancing in the Storm is How You Find the Rainbow


You might have noticed, I haven’t written in my blog much lately. I remember being so excited on my Birthday in July. My friend Haven took me on a date to celebrate my 41st.  We cried during the Harry Potter movie and laughed in Walmart and over dinner at Thai Spice. I swore I was going to blog….but I didnt.

I remember meditating on a rock when I got off the ship in Turk & Caicos, sitting in the sun merging with God. I sat there for the longest time watching a rainbow to see if I could catch a ride to the pot of gold.

I remember taking a bus to the tongue of that island so I could dance with the Natives. I bought a Maraca and danced like nobody was watching, but secret hoped that everybody was paying attention… because instead of sitting it out, I chose to dance. Couldn’t wait to blog…but I didn’t.

I remember sitting on a boat  at Half Moon Cay for an hour before they finally told us to get off the boat there is some faulty equipment and they can’t take us out to parasail..I was thankful, an angel can’t fly with broken wings… I wasnt getting off the ground with faulty equiptment🙂 We parasailed the next day in the Bahamas. I was sure I would finally blog, but I didnt.

I remember speaking early one morning on that Cruise to a group of women who have courageously had weightloss surgery. All at different phases in their journey. Some maintaining, some still losing, some gained, on their way back down and some preparing for reconstructive surgery. As I looked out at the faces in the room, I realized I had been in each of their places.. I had been all of those things since my surgery over 8 years ago.

I remember going out, or hanging out at my friends Susan & Gordons house.

Doing some pet sitting along the journey.

Sitting with Miss Kaplan as Gordon and Susan took a vacation.

I can go on, and on, and on….so much  I was going to blog about… but didn’t at the time. Do you know what it feels like to be happiest when you are writing a story, being someone who loves to “write”. BUT, .. I had began singing the song…that no one wants to hear.

You haven’t lived in my skin, and felt the arrows pierce.

But, see what I really “need” to say is. I also remember going a couple of weeks without food, hoping and praying I would get called back for a job. Asking friends at school for a slice of cucumber here and there or maybe a baby carrot.Trying not to make it look too obvious that I had no food.

I remember going on Facebook and asking for help from my friends. I needed protein and vitamins. I got just that, in all flavors. Somedays I was inspired, somedays I was Clickin’ and occasionally I could Believe🙂 But, thankfully I always had protein and vitamins during this time. My bariatric friends and family saw to that.

I remember having to give my precious cat Bella Sera back over to the Noahs Ark no kill shelter and how I cried! Then my friend Haven sending a frantic text for me  to go get her she would keep her.I cried more! Bella is in a safe Haven where she is loved and cared for.

I remember handing in the keys to my condo on the Intracoastal crying knowing I would not sit on that balcony again sipping coffee watching the sunrise over the ocean.

I guess we all remember the day I put Henna in my hair and came out looking like Ronald McDonald.

Over the past year, I have lost material things, some friends, any ounce of sanity that I had left and almost everything I had including my cat. What I have gained has been priceless. I have gained patience, understanding, unconditional love of my self, self acceptance, and compassion.

How can one truly extend, love and compassion to others without filling their self up first?

This past year was not wasted… I went through the  grieving process.

7 Stages of Grief…

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

It lasted for what seemed like a year🙂 I was shocked when I no longer had a job. Shocked when I could not find a job, and shocked when I turned in my keys and left my cat with Haven.  Everytime I tried to deny what was happening it seemed as though something had to shock me to resuscitate me.

2. PAIN & GUILT-

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

I am very pleased to say, I survived without drugs or alcohol. It would have been so easy to have gone skiing down that slope Oh don’t get me wrong I am not perfect. I plunged into a box of Fruity Pebbles one day and didn’t emerge until they were gone, and there was that day I ate those Reese Cups. I could beat myself up over those choices but I won’t. I am blessed to be here.


Oh
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the the pain on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

I lashed out more than once. At times I lashed out at God.. I felt like I was all alone in a sea of tears. One day while I  was on the cruise I had an aha moment when I realized I was standing  looking in the mirror lashing out at God… it was my own reflection.

4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did before this happened and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

Oh…boy…did…I reflect. Seemed like forever I stared into the water, the mirror, the sky. I wanted my life back. I wanted to be able to travel again, to sip coffee on my balcony, to drive to Amelia Island and ride horses on the beach or jump on a plane to Mexico and dance with the Mayans….Would I ever be free from this nightmare… It seemed as if I owed the world and no job in site… They say what happens to us is not OUR KARMA but its how we react that is our Karma… So I danced, I laughed and I sang in my car.

7 Stages of Grief…

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.

I started to appreciate what I had left and to be thankful for every opportunity. I started to dance in the storm and pretty soon it became fun. If it got muddy, I would just splash around and laugh a little more.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without income. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life.

This part was confusing, I often asked why bother. I tried to put a plan down to pay off bills to get an apartment. I realized at some point,I had started to dream again🙂

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. I learned so much during this past year.. patience, unconditional love, trust in the Divine, and compassion…

I found myself forgiving those who hurt me and in the process found profound forgiveness in myself.  Or maybe, it was vice versa… All I know is there is forgiveness, acceptance.. and HOPE🙂

I started to live, love and laugh again.  I realized that even during the darkest moments of this storm I focused on the positive. One is never in the dark as long as they remember to turn on the light.

I translate that like this… even at the worst moments of our lives, or what seems like total darkness and grief… The Divine is still there with us through those moments. Not just “with” us, but in our heart.

I haven’t lived tomorrow, but God will bless me when it comes.

Namaste’





Imagine a place of serenity. A place  where one can escape to relax, as well as heal. A place where nurturing hands provide high quality, clinical and therapeutic massage and blends with a calming and restful space… Welcome to A PEACE OF ZEN.

I cater to clients of all ages including infants, children, adults, and seniors. My services include a variety of techniques that are designed to relieve the pain and stress related to day to day living, while aiding in the rehabilitation of physical injuries and alleviating pain associated with disease.

Offering the highest quality of care to my clients, I am friendly and knowledgeable and care about all aspects of your treatment. I customize each treatment to meet your specific needs by incorporating a variety of assessment and treatment techniques that are best suited to you as an individual.

A Peace of Zen Massage and Wellness is dedicated to improving the general well being of all clients.  Massage therapy is a key used in combination with proper nutrition, exercise and self care that can unlock the path to transformation of the client as a whole mind body spirit.

I invite you to experience the peace of zen through massage therapy. Healing through massage therapy allows you to breathe in healing oxygen and breathe out a feeling of peace and tranquility.

Namaste