This week I celebrate New years..Oh, sure I realize January 1 was weeks ago. Since I am one of those free spirits that sort of lives in my own world, I celebrate when I chose. I generally find something everyday that I wake up alive and breathing to celebrate and be thankful for. So this week I celebrate the Chinese New Year and this week I also celebrated the new moon. This year in the Chinese Calender is the year of the Dragon. Even though I am not a dragon, I am still stepping up and claiming 2012 as my year. Honestly, it’s just my turn, and the law of attraction says if I can believe it I can achieve it… That is all I needed to know to change my way of BELIEVING!
Yes, I realize I haven’t blogged much…in months. You see I started this blog about a year and a half ago. I started it because I was working for a company that I blogged for, and the problem with blogging for a company that you work for is…. YOU become their property.. You can only blog what they find appropriate. God forbid you would want to speak about sex, how body parts are effected after weight loss, or spicy food. God forbid if you should cuss a little even with such a cute saying as Karma is only a bitch if you are…then every boy gets their knickers in a wad and you find yourself without a job.
Well, don’t get me wrong here. This is not about blame. I could blame “them” and any other them that gets in my path all day long. The truth of the matter is I am responsible for my life, my choices and my consequences that come with the choices.
I was blogging to the bariatric surgery community, of whom I am a part of, since I had bariatric surgery 8 years ago. However I was blogging for a company where not one single employee other than myself had the surgery. So how could they understand the “issues” that come up? They suggested I blog plain vanilla, I was frozen mango with chipolte before I had surgery, can you imagine what bariatric surgery added to that personality?
So when I chose to continue to discuss dating issues after surgery, sexual addictions and dysfunctions, transfer addictions after surgery and god forbid…. therapy…. I soon found the need for a new blog, and a new career 🙂
Oh yes of course I was heart broken at first, I mean how could I who had worked so hard and dedicated my life to paying it forward and helping others be left without a job in the bariatric community? I cried, and for about a week I just laid down. I turned my back on my life, on my reflection, on myself… and I laid down. My passion came from being a service to those in the bariatric community, a passion of speaking the truth about the post op after life, even when it ain’t so pretty. Now, unemployed with a no compete clause… I realized my work in the bariatric sales community was over. Of course I had also worked as a LPN for more than 17 years, but I did not carry my license over to FL when I moved here. I “Assumed” I would always work in the bariatric world. I worked in business in the bariatric sales field for about 4 years. I was good at what I did, and the bariatric clients wanted to hear what I had to say.. and what products I was taking.
After laying down for a week a very dear friend of mine called to check on me. I told her I was sick, and I was not feeling well. I told her I hurt all over and I did not have the energy to get up. I cried. She listened… she heard.. she let me purge out my pain. I told her how sad I was.. that I felt like I had lost my life..my passion…
She listened, she heard. She reminded me that I was loved, that just because I had lost my job in the bariatric community that I had not lost my place or my voice. I certainly don’t view myself as a “savior” but I was not going to become a “martyr” either. For some reason the movie Straight Talk came to my mind. I kept seeing Dolly Parton as Dr. Shirley Love when she was talking to the jilted woman and told her to “get down off the cross, honey… because someone needs the wood”… I needed to free myself of this pain. So I got up out of bed and went on about life.
Within a couple of months I could no longer afford my apartment on the Intracoastal… again I felt crushed… I had healed so much living on the water. I began each day with a coffee protein drink, and watching the sun come up over the ocean. My balcony faced east and each sunrise brought the promise of new beginnings, of life unlived… promises of light.
I had a couple of choices here.. I could tuck tail and go back to WV…or I could ask for help… YIKES… boy would this take swallowing some pride. I have always been kind, loving and humble… or at least I tried my best to be that way…but I had always been able to take care of myself. Here I found myself deep in debt, unemployed and asking for help.
My life certainly changed… over the past year and a half I have had to ask for A LOT of help.
Three times I have moved, three times different people have let me move into their homes through this transition. I am thankful they did, it made it possible for me to go to school. More than once I was far enough behind in my car payment I thought the bank would take it. I borrowed money from family and friends to make payments. So I am in debt and no, I am not complaining about it. I am thankful that a way was made for me to keep my car. Yes, I have a journey ahead of me still to get back on my feet and get things paid off, find a place to rent, and move onward and upward.
I guess the main thing I need to acknowledge here is…. I faced my fears and continue to face them daily. I am not perfect, I make mistakes. However I don’t give up.
I did give up blogging for awhile. I have always been known as the “positive” writer… and when others were down because of failed relationships, weight gain, illness, job loss ect… I tried to be there to shine positive light… I was “afraid” I could not be that inspiration to others if I was “down” too. I was “afraid” to talk about my darkness as I walked though it..but I have changed my mind about a lot of things..
Positivity does not mean that by being positive only good things will happen. Lets face it sometimes bad things happen to good people. Positivity means that one acts out of love and kindness even when bad things happen.
I’ve decided to talk about my journey the good, the bad and the ugly. I mean.. as a writer if I can’t speak my truth…what can I do??
Thank you for visiting my blog….